Billie Joe Armstrong Calls Psy ‘Herpes Of Music’ & Ten Other Musicians of STDs
Recently, Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong, who just left a rehab facility, posted a picture of K-Pop phenomenon Psy on his instagram account. The he wrote “This dude is the herpes of music. Once you think it’s gone. It comes back.”
Finally, someone brave enough to stand up and speak out on the true horrors plaguing our free society. End sarcastic tone now. I don’t know why Armstrong, who just got out of rehab, would say such a thing. It doesn’t make him look witty or urbane. It just makes him look like a piddling twit.
Still, Armstrong, who is fresh out of a rehabilitation clinic, may be on to something by equating a well-liked pop star with a venereal disease. Below, Land of Punt continues what the Green Day singer (a former addict) started by joining ten popular musicians with ten popular STDs.
“This dude is the chlamydia of music.”
Chlamydia is everywhere. It’s one of the world’s most common sexually transmitted diseases. Blake Shelton is everywhere too. He’s a judge on The Voice, he just released an album, and later this year he’s going on tour. Shelton has been seen on sitcoms, sports broadcasts, and award shows.
“These dudes are the gonorrhea of music.”
Gonorrhea is also known as “The Clap” and clapping is the closest the British Boy band One Direction will ever get to playing their own instruments. “The Clap” also causes a burning sensation during urination and penile discharge. There’s a Harry Styles joke in there somewhere.
“This dude is the granuloma inguinale of music.”
Granuloma inguinale, and its main symptom of genital lesions, is endemic in under developed areas of the world. Bruno Mars is ethnic but he looks like he could be from a bunch of under developed places. Actually, Mars is from the third world nation of Hawaii.
“This chick is the crabs of music.”
Crabs louse are very small and like to live in course hair. Nicky Minaj is very small and has crazy hair. It’s still debatable which one has more talent.
“These dudes are the syphilis of music.”
Syphilis presents in four stages with the third having nary a symptom. You may think Maroon 5 is a quintet but the band only has four members. Syphilis is also known to drive some victims crazy. Who doesn’t go crazy watching Adam Levine sing “Moves Like Jagger?”
“This Chick is the trichomoniasis of music.”
Trichomoniasis, a STD primarily contracted by women, doesn’t present itself for 5 to 28 days. That type of delay is similar to the one at Rihanna’s last concert in Boston. She was three hours late and when she finally showed up she offered no apology.
“This dude is the human papillomavirus of music.”
The human papillomavirus is often referred to as “HPV” and Justin Timberlake is often referred to as “JT.” Also, both HPV and JT infect the keratinocytes of skin membranes.
“This dude is the hepatitis B of music.”
There really isn’t a cure for hepatitis B but you can get vaccinated for it. There really isn’t a cure for Pitbull’s music and the only way to get vaccinated is not having any of his songs in your iTunes. If that’s not possible you can always move into one of the many Pitbull-free zones erected by FEMA.
“This chick is the scabies of music.”
Scabies is a sexually transmitted skin disease caused by a mite. This mite burrows under the victim’s skin and causes major discomfort. Selena Gomez is about the size of a mite and her music burrows into your ears and causes major discomfort.
“This dude is the giardiasis of music.”
Giardiasis is better known by its colloquial appellation, “Beaver Fever.” That sounds a lot like “Bieber Fever.” Furthermore, giardiasis is an intestinal illness that can last up to a few months. As we all know, “Bieber Fever,” which is a swag illness, lasts forever.