Chelsea Handler: Top Ten Quotes

Chelsea Handler: Top Ten Quotes

Chelsea Handler is a Jill of all Trades. She’s an author, late night talk show host, stand-up comedian, alcoholic, actress, whore, and Playboy cover model. Now this multi-talented, and multi-STD suffer, is bringing her bitchy-brand of comedy to the people.

The “Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang” tour begins March 10 in Chicago and ends 20 cities later.

The response to her tour has been overwhelming. So many people want to see her that the following cities have added a second show: Chicago, Boston, Seattle, Portland, Oregon, San Francisco, Washington D.C., Miami, Atlanta, Minneapolis, Austin, Philadelphia, and Houston.

She’s scheduled to perform three times in NYC.

The name of her tour, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, is taken from the title of her third book which is set to hit shelves March 9. So expect to see Handler at a lot of book stores signing copies of her latest release.

In December, Handler appeared on one of two alternate covers for Playboy Magazine. She was featured in a pictorial but she did not pose nude.

The comedian recently made headlines for breaking up with her boyfriend Ted Harbert, CEO of Comcast Entertainment Group and E! boss. The two had been cohabitating.

If you’re unfamiliar with Handler, she hosts a talk show on E! called Chelsea Lately. If you like snarky comedy that makes fun of celebrities you’ll love Handler. If you don’t you probably won’t like her.

Think of Handler as a blonde version of Kathy Griffin only less obnoxious and more sarcastic.

Handler is an acquired taste. The more you hear of her the more you’ll like her.


  • “There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.”
  • “It became clear when I got in my car that Persians are only really good for two things. Oil and hummus.”
  • “Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.”
  • “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.”
  • “Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”
  • “I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around”
  • “Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”
  • “…if you’re a guy and you pull your pants down, and the girl you’re with immediately stats text messaging her friends, you have a small penis.”
  • “My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”
  • “I can remember my first one-night stand like it was yesterday. Well, maybe not the first. Or the second… or the fifth. I’ll just begin with what I can remember and not concern myself with order.”


  • A Catholic priest who’s been sending threatening notes to Conan O’Brien was charged with stalking in the fourth degree. It just goes to show you that people can become obsessed with redheads.
  • According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious—Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
  • Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen’s breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with ‘Don’t forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God’s sake don’t ever take one away from Ellen!’
  • Good Luck Chuck, a comedy starring Dane Cook and Jessica Alba, opened today, and critics are saying it has all the belly laughs you’ve come to expect from Jessica Alba.
  • In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn’t have a boyfriend. She said, ‘I’m keeping my options open.’ And by options, she meant legs.
  • Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
  • Kiefer Sutherland has agreed to serve 48 days in jail for his DUI convictions. That’s 245 months in Jack Bauer years.
  • Lance Bass has a new autobiography titled Out of Sync. We don’t need to read it, we already know how it ends—Justin is really successful, and Lance is gay.
  • Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy—er.
  • Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.

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