Opera Used To Annoy Criminals: 8 Most Obnoxious Operas Of All-Time

A neighborhood in Seattle is using opera to annoy criminals and so far the tenors and sopranos are doing a great job in keeping the bad guys at bay.

Opera music is being pumped into alleyways and parking lots to repel nefarious Emerald City residents. One parking lot in particular that’s blasting the “O” belongs to Low Income Housing Institute (shocking they would have a problem with crime). LIHI is located in the Seattle neighborhood known as Belltown and they’ve been spinning the “Op” for about three weeks.

“Since then we haven’t had a single car break-in,” says Josh Okrent from LIHI. “Which is pretty good for us.”

Several condo units across town have been pumping the “pera” for over a year and those familiar with the area say crime is way down. There’s no statistical data to back up that assertion, just observations from those who live and work in the area. Of course in situations like these, perception is reality.

“For some reason opera is just annoying enough to drive criminals away, but not so annoying that it will offend the general public,” says Okrent.

Land of Punt wholeheartedly believes opera music annoys criminals. The music used to eschew felonious fiends is generally cheap and lacks merit. The criminals probably run for the hills because they can’t tolerate the conductor’s tempo, stomach the baritone’s phrasing, or endure the prima donna’s timbre.

In an effort to assist the LIHI and other Seattle business that are negative effected by crime and various street urchins, LOP has complied a list of the five most obnoxious operas of all-time. If these annoying opuses don’t repel the perps and the twerps nothing will.

L'incoronazione di PoppeaL’incoronazione di Poppea by Claudio Monteverdi

In English this opera is called “The Coronation of Poppea.” Should be more like “The Coronation of Poopy.” What an awful composition. What in the hell was Monterverdi smoking in 1642 to compose something this stupid? The libretto was based on events from the “Annals of Tacitus.” No need for us to rename that work. L’incoronazione di Poppea will make even the hardest criminals flee from its pathetic arias.

Les contes d'HoffmannLes contes d’Hoffmann by Jacques Offenbach

We admit “Barcarolle” is kinda fly but after that all the other tracks are gross. Not only that, but if you find a recoding with bad Giulietta, you’ll have perps pouring acid in their ears just to avoid this sonic piece of dung.

AgrippinaAgrippina by George Frideric Handel

Modern day critics call this opera fresh and invented. We call it whack. “Allegrezza! Allegrezza!” is lame. “Tuo ben è l’trono” is stupid and “Come nube che fugge dal vento” just plain sucks. You want the criminals to flee, then just pump this crapfest through your speakers. They are bound to lose their handle on reality! Get it?

Beatrice di TendaBeatrice di Tenda by Vincenzo Bellini

Can’t even beleive this Tragedia lirica passes as music. It sucks y’all. Not nearly as awesome as Bellini’s La sonnambula or his kick ass I puritani. The 1996 recording with Edita Gruberova and Don Bernardini is especially putrid. Pump up the volume with extreme prejudice.

Der Barbier von BagdadDer Barbier von Bagdad by Peter Cornelius

Blast this “crapera” through the Klipschs and you’ll have the thugs running for ear cover. Just thank all-that-is-holy that this fecal sounding dung heap is infrequently performed nowadays. This opera sounds like you took Les vêpres siciliennes and Les Troyens and played them both simultaneously and backwards… while underwater. Der Barbier Von Bagdad will make the bad guys wish they were in Baghdad.

LohengrinLohengrin by Richard Wagner

This piece of ear cancer is totally gnarly. The first act alone will make you hurl. This bogus opus gave us the song that we call “Here Comes The Bride,” which is enough to scare anyone away. Get the recording with Sandor Konya and Leonie Rysanek from 1958. It will make you want to gouge your ears out.

PelleasetMelisandePelléas et Mélisande by Claude Debussy

Yes, this is Debussy only completed opera. Yes, this is a landmark of 20th century music. Yes, this is annoying as three cats in a blender while the operator is scratching his nails on a chalkboard. What’s really awful about this opera is too much cor anglais and Yniold, the boy soprano, is a total tool.

ilMatrimonioSegretoIl matrimonio segreto by Domenico Cimarosa

Next to Mozart’s stuff, this is the “greatest” opera buffa of the 18th century. Apparently opera buffa means bloody awful noise. Oh how we would love to have 20 minutes in a dark alley alone with Cimarosa. We would pound him worse than the melodies he wrote for Fidalma, the mezzo-soprano. This opera makes us say, “WTF!” It will certainly repel any and all unwanted cretins.

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