Brad Paisley or Brad Pretense?

You can now add video games to the list of things Americans hold scared. So whatever you do, don’t disparage dogs, the Flag, religion, the NFL, or video games.

At the Country Music Television Awards, held on June 16th, Brad Paisley urged kids to take an interest in music by picking up real guitars instead of video games.

Brad Paisley’s "American Saturday Night Tour"features Dierks Bentley and Jimmy Wayne.  His next album, American Saturday Night, is scheduled to drop June 30th, 2009.

Brad Paisley’s American Saturday Night Tour features Dierks Bentley and Jimmy Wayne. His next album, American Saturday Night, is scheduled to drop June 30th, 2009.

“Rock Band never got anybody a date,” Paisley said. “Never.”

Almost immediately, nerds from Bakersfield to Wheatland began blogging how their Rock Band prowess got them some serious tail. There were even stories of couples marrying after meeting online while playing Rock Band.

One groom had Harmonix, the game’s developer, put a marriage proposal in their in-game Rock Band “Message of the Day.” The bride-to-be responded by hitting yellow twice and then green once.

Okay, Rock Band is for lovers and Brad Paisley is wrong. But the issue isn’t whether or not chicks dig Rock Band but whether or not Paisley should be deriding it and championing real guitars as a means to unravel a woman’s chastity. After further review, Brad should keep his mouth shut.

If you’re some gangly kid, living in some place like Clarkston or Moncton, the best way to overcome your awkwardness with the fairer sex, as The Who sang in “Won’t Get Fooled Again,” is to “pick up [your] guitar and play.”

After mastering a few chords and jamming at a few barn parties, a certain grade of women will begin to pursue you romantically. In practically no time, the fruits of your guitar labor will start to pay off.

Then when you reach Paisley’s status and you’re playing an arena in Bristow, or Phoenix, or Toronto, you do what any self respecting guitar player would do, you have your manager pick a few delectable damsels from the crowd to join you backstage after the show for wine and cheese while cheerfully discussing Chaucer and Malory… or something to that affect.

Brad Paisley is not only one of Nashville's most successful song writers but he's also a irtuoso country guitarist.

Brad Paisley is not only one of Nashville's most successful song writers but he's also a virtuoso country guitarist.

Paisely’s guitar playing has earned him numerous awards, several gold records, 14 number one hits, and one Kimberly Williams (the actress last seen on that awful sitcom According To Jim).

The story goes that Paisley and a girlfriend saw the movie Father of the Bride (in which Williams starred as the “bride”). However, Paisley and his date eventually parted ways.

When Father of the Bride II (in which Kimberly Williams starred as the “bride II”) was released, Paisley went back to the theater hoping his former paramour would be there. She was not.

As Paisley watched Williams on screen he said to himself: “I’d love to marry a girl like her.” Land of Punt believes he really said that about Steve Martin, but that’s neither here nor there.

Paisley wrote about this experience in his song “Part Two.” He used the pretense of making a video for the song as a pickup line to woo Williams (the two are now married and have two kids).

You read that correctly, he used a pretense!

Brad Paisley is a big time country music star, who’s sold millions of records, sings in front of thousands of people in places like Baltimore, Dallas and Meadville and yet he had to use a PRETENSE? Then he has the gall to tell kids if you want to get a date pick up a real guitar and not Rock Band?

Brad Paisley (left) and his wife Kimmberly Williams (right).

Brad Paisley (left) and his wife Kimberly Williams (right). They have two sons, not pictured.

Jimmy Page never used a pretense. Keith Richards never used a pretense. Chet Atkins never used a pretense. Guitar players don’t use a pretense, that’s why they became guitar player in the first place!

Computer programmers in Halifax use pretenses. Construction workers in Jacksonville use pretenses. Successful guitar players like Brad Paisley shouldn’t being using “pretense” to get girls they should be using the fact that they’re successful guitar players to get girls.

So not only has Paisley been proved wrong about Rock Band being an aphrodisiac, but he’s also been shown to be a charlatan. He didn’t get his girl directly through his guitar playing he got her through subterfuge like every other guy.

What LOP found even more interesting about Paisley’s recent remarks at the CMT Awards, he used the prospect of sex to inspire kids into music. No one seemed to care about that.

Land of Punt recommends that Paisley, during his American Saturday Night Tour this summer, refrain from enticing kids into the arts and from critiquing video games. Instead Paisley, whom we like a lot, should just play his bevy of hits.

After all, the last thing we want him to do is trample scared ground.

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