America's Favorite Douche Bags

A douche bag is a pejorative. It’s also a very fun phrase to say.

To earn the appellation of douche bag you must be part sleaze, part slime, and part smarmy. You also must have one redeeming quality, or talent, that separates you from the real dregs of humanity–it gives those around you the false impression that you’re actually worth befriending. Ultimately, this talent is what differentiates the douche bag from a member of the national sex offenders registry or a Best Buy sales representative.

Ye Old Douche Bag.  Pretending to play guitar or learning one song on the guitar is a classic douche bag maneuver.

Ye Old Douche Bag. Pretending to play guitar or learning one song on the guitar is a classic douche bag maneuver.

From a woman’s point of view, the douche has some level of sex appeal. Although that attraction is later wrought more with regret than lust. For men, the douche bag’s mysterious sexual prowess stirs feelings of jealously and envy. Although that admiration wanes when they learn the douche bag’s conquests consist mainly of uncouth jezebels, heartless harlots and their eternal soul mate after they’ve had too much to drink. Ultimately, the douche bag’s sole aim is carnal gratification.

Keep in mind, douche bags aren’t as bad as dicks, pricks, assholes and/or bastards. Douche bags are a completely different breed of man, they have numerous unsavory qualities but still possess a glimmer of hope. Generally though, that glimmer just mercilessly teases you over and over again. For when your time with a douche bag has finally come to an end you’re ready to take a Silk-wood shower.

Douche Bag Roll Call

john-mayer

JOHN MAYER

This womanizer has dated just about every Hollywood starlet from Jennifer Love Hewitt to Jessica Simpson to Minka Kelly. Some thought he was having an inapporiate relationship with his mother until they realize it was Jennifer Aniston. Mayer’s sensitivity, which the chicks dig, is as contrite and phony as his music. His body is a wonderland full of disgusting tattoos. What a douche bag.

Redeeming quality:  his music.

Douche rating:

jeremy-piven

JEREMY PIVEN

Dates women half his age, swore before singing the national anthem at Wrigley Field, quit Speed-The-Plough because he ate too much sushi, and conisders himself  “Jewish-Buddhist.” Piven is the quinessential fun guy that is untrustworthy, incapable of responibilty and void of self control. What a douche bag.

Redeeming quality: plays Ari Gold on HBO television series Entourage.

Douche rating:

NUP_104422_1631

ZACK BRAFF

Braff is the type of guy who goes out of his way to show you how sensitive he is or how intellectual he is or how quirky he can be. Whatever characteristic is “hip” that week. Braff is also a bit of a womanizer. He’s been romantically linked to Mandy Moore, Jessica Simpson and Shiri Appleby, just to name a few. While a lot of none-douche bags are womanizer, Braff the cad seems to be more offensive than most. What a douche bag.

Redeeming quality: star of a very funny sitcom, Scrubs.

Douche rating:

jamie-foxx

JAMIE FOXX

While it’s hard to defend Miley Cyrus one must be remember that at 16-years-old, she’s still a child. So when Foxx said of Cyrus on his radio show, “Make a sex tape and grow up!” he immediately became a douche bag. He also told her to get a gum transplant, do heroin like Brittany Spears, and crack like Lindsay Lohan.

He apologized by saying “I have a radio show … We’re really the black Howard Stern.” That ridiculous statement means you’re staying a douche bag. Go after adults all you want Foxx, but leave the children alone. They are our future. What a douche bag.

Redeeming quality: Academy Award winning actor.

Douche rating:

john-edwards

JOHN EDWARDS

The best way to become a douche bag is to cheat on your wife. An even better way to become a douche bag is to cheat on your wife dying from cancer. That’s what Senator Edwards did. To make matters more douchey, his mistress Rielle Hunter claims Edwards sire her child. Edwards, admitted to cheating but on the child’s birth certificate, the father’s name is blank. That’s another douchey things to do, father a child and then not be its father. What a douche bag.

Redeeming quality: he didn’t become vice-president.

Douche rating:

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HAL LINDEN

Does anyone need clarification as to why “Harold Lipshitz” is a douche bag? Isn’t Barney Miller enough? Have we forgotten the 1962 revival of Anything Goes? Land of Punt hasn’t. Don’t forget his guest appearances on The Golden Girls, Will and Grace, Gilmore Girls, and especially The Muppet Show. What he, Statler and Waldorf did should be removed from the tax code. What a douche bag.

Redeeming quality: clarinetist.

Douche rating:

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