Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival: No Place We’d Rather Not Be

Despite being a quasi-mythological land located on the horn of Africa, Land of Punt is not a fan of spending large quantities of time outdoors, especially when there are so many great television shows and movies to watch indoors.

LOP likes to be cool and comfortable with a refrigerator and a bathroom (both cleaned) in close proximity. Any situation that can’t afford us those comforts is avoided or quickly eschewed.

Slayer and Marilyn Manson headline the Mayhem Festival.

Slayer and Marilyn Manson headline the Mayhem Festival.

The absolutely worse scenario LOP can find itself in is being caught in a rock festival (or Englewood without a car). Spending all day in the sun as thousands of people bustling about, with honey buckets to your left and $5 bottles of water to your right, does not sound enjoyable to us on any intellectual level. And that’s not even mentioning what a hassle it is to park.

Visiting one of these festival, whether it’s in Tampa, Phoenix or West Palm Beach, is LOP’s definition of “hell.” One that would be extremely painful to attend is the “Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival.”

The Mayhem Festival commences July 10 at the Sleep Train Amphitheatre in Sacramento, CA. It ends 27 cities later at San Antonio’s Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre. The “mayhem” will also be visiting Auburn, Dallas, Selma, and Virginia Beach.

It has nothing to do with the bands… we think.

Slayer is great. We’re not partial to Marilyn Manson and haven’t heard any music from the others: Killswitch Engage, Bullet For My Valentine, Trivium, All That Remains, God Forbid, Cannibal Corpse, Job For A Cowboy, Behemoth, and Whitechapel. However, we think we saw Black Dahlia Murder open for the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band once in Cuyahoga Falls.

Besides what appears to be 27 hours of music, fans can also catch Metal Mulisha (we think the misspelling is intentional), they are the world’s greatest freestyle motorcross team. That should be quiet.

Metal Mulisha poses another problem for us, gasoline’s odor irritates our sinuses. So needless to say, you won’t be finding Land of Punt when the festival visits Albuquerque, Burgettstown, Moosic or Noblesville.


Besides rock bands and motorcycles, there’s also sure to be booths and booths of vendors.

These tented dens of target retailers are manned by recently graduated business majors decked out in cargo shorts and an Old Navy tee. In between sending tweets to their former frat brothers, they try to hawk a warm can of Rockstar to some dude rocking a metal spike through his nose and wearing a black t-shirt that reads: “I Was At Golgotha. “

Not only that, but no matter where the festival visits, whether it’s Atlanta, Camden, Hartford or Toronto, it’s going to be the hottest day of the century in that city. This searing heat will prompt those in attendance to do the unthinkable, remove their shirts.

Remember these are hard rock fans not fans that are as hard as rocks. It will be a sea of white beer bellies glistening in the sun with an albedo that can kill.


What’s worse, there will probably be people walking around without any shoes and socks (going barefoot is restricted in Land of Punt). If you’ve seen naked feet in Bristow or Clarkston, you know what we’re talking about. It’s not pretty.

Even a place with a pleasant sounding name like Bonner Springs or Maryland Heights or Mountain View or Tinley Park can’t tempt LOP into buying Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival tickets. And that’s saying something because Tinley Park sounds so delightful we’d buy weapons grade anthrax if they offered it in a gel.

Bottom line, it’s just too much music, too much humanity and to much sun for us to enjoy ourselves. They’ve all released albums and we can listen to them in the comfort of our own air-conditioned mythological land.

If this may make us sound old we don’t care because we are old, in fact we’re ancient. We were hanging out, doing our thing, thousands of years before hard rock had even been invented—heck, before rocks had even been invented.

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